How to Know When Transference Has Gone Too Far

Transference is, technically speaking, a gift. It is the client bringing their entire relational history into the room and handing it to you like a very complicated casserole. You did not ask for it. You cannot return it. But if you handle it correctly, it becomes the work.

The problem is when the casserole starts following you home.

The Spectrum, Briefly

On one end: a client who finds you warm and trustworthy because their mother was warm and trustworthy. Healthy. Workable. Lovely, even.

On the other end: a client who has named their houseplant after you, drives past your office on weekends "just to feel close," and has begun referring to your relationship as "the most important one in my life" — which you know because they told you. Twice. In the same session.

Most transference lives somewhere in the middle. The signs that it has migrated toward the problematic end are worth knowing.

Signs It Has Gone Too Far (Therapist POV)

• —The client has begun bringing you gifts. Small ones at first. Then a scented candle. Then something that required assembly.
• —They have started sessions with "I was thinking about what you'd want me to do this week" rather than what they want.
• —They have expressed disappointment — not frustration, disappointment — that you have other clients.
• —They have asked if you ever think about them between sessions. You have learned to pause before answering this one.
• —They have referred to the therapeutic relationship as a "friendship" and watched your face carefully when they said it.
• —They have Googled you. You know this because they told you. You know more because of what they found.
• —They have expressed that therapy ending would be "like a death." You have noted this. You have also noted that termination is now six months away and you are already dreading the conversation.

Signs It Has Gone Too Far (Client POV)

If you are a client reading this, first: welcome, this is a safe space, and also you should probably mention this article to your therapist.

• —You have rehearsed what you will say in session while in the shower, the car, and once during a work meeting.
• —You have felt genuine jealousy about your therapist's other clients. You have not said this out loud. You are thinking about saying it out loud.
• —You have driven past their office outside of session hours. You told yourself it was on the way. It was not on the way.
• —You have looked them up online and felt something when you found a photo. You are not sure what that something was. You are sure you are not going to bring it up.
• —You have thought about what it would be like to run into them at a grocery store and have planned what you would say. In multiple scenarios. Including one where they are also buying the same cereal as you, which feels meaningful.
• —You have cried after a session ended. Not because of what was discussed. Because it ended.

What To Do About It

If you are the therapist: name it. Gently, clinically, without making the client feel like a problem to be managed. The transference is not the issue — it is the material. The issue is when it goes unaddressed and starts running the room.

If you are the client: bring it up. Yes, it is embarrassing. Yes, your therapist already knows. That is, in fact, their job. The moment you say it out loud is usually the moment it loses most of its power. This is deeply annoying but also true.

If you are the man in the photograph above: we cannot help you. But we admire the commitment.